Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The good, bad and the ugly.

I'm going to let it all out.
January 2009: Totaled my 1st car that I had for about 2 years.
February 2009: Financed my car on my own, my pretty little kia =) and gained a car payment =(
April 2009: I lost the job I had for 11 months.
August/September 2009: Started fall semester of college (first actual semester, I had enrolled before but dropped my classes to allow more time for work)
January 2010: Turned 20, started dating my boyfriend.
February 2010: Wisdom teeth removed.
March 2010: Got the courage to tell my doctor I had been struggling with depression.
April 2010: Diagnosed as bipolar and having ADD, got help.
June 2010: Finished fall semester with an A in art history, an A in health, (not sure of my grade in Environmental Science yet).
I haven't been able to find a job, school is my priority and not a lot of places will work around a school schedule. I have no qualifications for anything, I was fired from my job in retail because of a small but HUGE mistake. Personally I don't believe I should have been fired, it was a little extreme considering that I had been with the company for almost a year and had gone out of my way to do whatever was needed. I still get sad when I see the girls I used to work with on facebook, and when my hiring and firing anniversaries come around. It was the first job I actually stayed at, and really worked at. I was being considered for a promotion (and raise) to a sales position. But that is the past. I wish more than anything that I could go back and fix that small mistake but I cant. And dwelling on it wont help.
My family has a history of mental illness, I tried to deal with my issues on my own for a long time and it finally got to the point where I needed help. It was such a relief to finally get it out and get help. I didn't know that how I felt wasn't normal. And that I didn't have to feel like that. My doctor explained that the bipolar gene is passed on very easily. I also have OCD. These diseases are beyond my control, there is a chemical inbalance in my brain. I am not crazy. Bipolar disorder is something that is misunderstood. My sister has mental illness too, and experiencing that as I was growing up shaped the way I am today. I have always strived to gain control of anything and everything. I thought there was either extreme behavior (due to mental illness) or normal actions. I did not see that there was an in between. Only my best friend knows about my disorders, and I only just told my dad about being bipolar (he knew only about the ADD and OCD). I have felt ashamed. I didn't want to be "messed up", I wanted to be "normal" but I am neither, I am me, I am not in a category. I am dealing with it now, facing it head on and healing.
I am lucky to have my dad, he is amazing.
I have two best friends that I would do anything for.
I have an amazing boyfriend that accepts me for who I am, and adores me.
I have a cute little apartment that I can decorate however I want.
I have 3 cats I love.
My friends support me in everything I do.
I am in college, and on my way to earning a degree.
Life is never what you expect it to be, its much better.
I am taking the good with the bad.
"Without sorrow, you can never know joy"
I have an AMAZING life, I am so LUCKY.
At times these things seem too difficult to get past, but I am confident that I can get to the other side and look back at how strong I am.
I spilled my whole heart out, put myself out there, and it feels pretty good.
Questions, comments, thoughts, and opinions are welcome.
-Ashley Marie

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